State of alarm

Thanks to the theiving scum of this world, home security is an absolute necessity. Nobody wants some smelly peasant in their house rummaging through their belongings and The Regime's answer to this is simple. They take one thing from you, we take EVERYTHING from them. Absolutely everything they've ever owned. And burn it.

That's not what this post is about, however. This post, like most of the posts featured on The Regime, is about a minor offence. In this case, one associated with burglary - the burglar alarm.

Eat your toast. Drink your tea. Get into your Punto and go to work. But don't forget to set the alarm. Also don't forget to close the fucking windows. Don't forget that leaving an animal in the same room as an active PIR will set your alarm off. Don't forget that if you paid piss-all for your alarm system, and had it installed by a pikey, that it will go off - and probably for longer than the recommended 15 minutes.

Anyone in possession of an alarm that sounds for more than 15 minutes OR an alarm that sounds without unlawful entry to their premises shall have said alarm removed from the outside wall of their house. The alarm shall then be installed in their bathroom and activated with no means of deactivation. The houseowner shall then be locked in said bathroom.

For a day.

Imported Ripoff

I've heard a few stories lately about our 'friends' from abroad who have come to make this fine country their home. I'll not be specific about the nationality of these people because I don't want to come over all racist (heaven forbid) but you wouldn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure it out.

• Woman at bus stop with 2 rugrats and heavily laden with shopping. She has trouble boarding the bus thanks to her fat arse and excessive purchases. She decides to abandon her pram at the bus stop and board the bus because she can easily get another one courtesy of the State.


• Woman (quite possibly the aforementioned tramp's friend) contacts the Social Welfare office to say that she has lost her pram - several times over the course of a few months and each time receives a replacement. Turns out she has in her saggy tits lost them. She's only gone and created a pram showroom in her apartment and is selling them for a tidy profit.


• Woman goes into a hair salon and gets a load of braids and cornrows, dyes and fuck knows what else in her flea-bitten gruaig only to later attempt to pay with her Social Services card. The hairdresser goes postal and contacts the Social who say they will indeed pay for it as is deemed to be "maintenance of the woman's culture" (WHAT THE FUCK?!?)

We have enough of our own lot ripping the State off and making us pay their way without bringing more of the bastards in. There's only one way to deal with these scroungers:

• Nab them.


• Put them in a prison-like intstitution.


• Make them work (breaking rocks would be a good start) and actually PAY them for doing so.


• When they have built up enough 'credit', use some of the money to pay back the state for their misdemeanor.


• Use the remainder of the money to buy them a plane ticket back to where they came from.


• With the assistance of a cattle prod, make them walk to the airport on their day of departure.
  

So long, scrounging fucks.

Miss you!

Stung

Speed cameras are a waste of time. Most of them don't even work and pretty much all of them are on roads where a bit of speed won't really harm anyone - like the M1. Personally, I don't give a tuppence if some ponce wants to hoof it down a motorway at 200kph as long as he isn't acting the cock (which is a whole 'nuther post). You never see coppers with speed cameras outside schools, do you? Or in estates where there might be kids about? There's really only one way to solve this:

• Remote controlled stingers are placed at designated points
• Decent, law abiding folk are given activation access to the stingers by way of Bluetooth remote control on their mobile phones
• When Mickaaa in his Honda Civic with the bean can exhaust and strip lights goes barrelling through a built up area, a responsible dog walker or TV watcher could put manners on the tracksuit-wearing little pox

People could ever have stinger parties. Imagine sitting up in your apartment balcony with a few friends, some snags on the barbie, a couple of frosty beers and watching 400 quid of some little scumbag's dole money go down the jacks as you make his tyres into black rubber Swiss cheese. Oh the joy!

No butts about it

Have you ever seen the inordinate amount of cigarette butts lying on the ground at any set of traffic lights in Dublin? Next time you're first in line at the lights, look down and see where the littering scumsuckers have peppered the asphalt with their cancerous cast-offs. A good suggestion would be to make these fools get out of the car and pick every single butt up off the road. And eat them. But that would just delay traffic and that wouldn't be fair on the decent citizens, so The Regime proposes a legislation that helps unemployment, charity and the environment.

• Jobless hobos with digital cameras could stand at traffic lights and wait for the smokers to throw their butts out the window.
• They capture them in the act, ensuring that they get a clear shot including the registration of the car and a timestamp on the camera and send it into the authorities.
• Emphasema O'Cancerlungs gets a €500 fine in the post.
• The hobo gets 10%.
• 50% goes toward cancer charities (but NOT for smoking related illness)
• The remainder goes to the department of the environment to help clean up the litter.

Actually, while the cameraman is at it, he could easily pick up all of the butts at his post and earn a bonus. Or he could smoke them like most hobos do.

That's BUS lane, Simon, not Punto lane

Nobody likes bus lanes. Apart from bus and taxi drivers. And dickheads who like skipping queues. If someone deems it necessary to use a bus lane when prohibited, they're clearly in a hurry and as such, the following punishment should apply:

1. The driver should be stopped and their flimsy excuse entertained for no more than 6 seconds.



2. The keys should be taken from the ignition of the offending vehicle.



3. The keys should then be driven a minimum of 4 miles in the opposite direction to which the vehicle was travelling to a pre-arranged location to which the driver must make his own way to collect said keys.



4. Not in so much of a hurry now, are we sir?

Texting while driving? Oh no you don't.

If a driver has been seen with his Sony Ericsson perched atop his steering wheel as he drives his VW Golf along on a sunny day, the following steps should occur:

1. The driver should be stopped and asked to hand over his mobile device.


2. He should be struck sharply in the centre of the forehead with said device.


3. The device should be cast as far as possible by the arresting officer (over a high wall or thorny hedge is an excellent choice)

Wilkommen

Far too often in our society, criminal behaviour has gone unpunished. We don't want a police state and there would be no need for one if our citizens "behaved themselves". To this end, a zero tolerance approach is needed. Dispensing with the current situation where wrongdoers get preferential treatment and society's pondscum refer to our prisons as holiday camps, we present......tHe ReGiMe.

The idea is simple. Name a crime and an appropriate punishment, that will not only serve as a valuable lesson to the miscreant, but as a form of light entertainment for the rest of us. No crime should go unpunished - remember, this is a ZERO TOLERANCE ZONE.